


Where Some See Failure

by RegentOfTheAuxArcs



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: AU--New Sith Order, Anxiety Disorder, Background Poly, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Force Bond (Star Wars), Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Maul NO/MAUL YES, Maul needs a hug, Miscarriage, Nightpersons, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Smoking, Trans Male Character, Trigger Warning City, Unplanned Pregnancy, Warm Fuzzy Talzin, Weirdly Specific Coping Fic, but proceed with caution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-08 20:22:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13465851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RegentOfTheAuxArcs/pseuds/RegentOfTheAuxArcs
Summary: If you thought a stupid thing like biology would get in the way of formerly-Darth-now-just-Maul wanting a thing...you clearly have not been here very long.Or, the weirdly specific coping fic nobody asked for but here it is





	Where Some See Failure

All the lights are off, but I know it’s him awake just from the sounds in the dark. A sniffle, a sigh, the strange hiss of the vaporizer, then the calm nasal-exhale. It’s the same most nights when he wakes like this. It’s different in the morning, when I can see him and know he’s fine, just stretching and getting that kick of pain-killer to start the day. At night, it’s worse, because something has made him rouse from sleep and need that. He never wakes me up but it doesn’t matter, I’m up anyway when he jolts upright and gasps and gropes around both the Force and the physical trying to figure out where/when he is. It could have been the start of the rain, could have been the body on my other side moving that stirred him, usually curling around the smaller form on his other side, it could have been specters in his mind. Probably was the last one, they’ll never go away.

I pretend to still be asleep. I’m up for my own reasons, mostly the swift undercurrent of worry from realizing a short time ago we would be fathers. It came as a complete surprise, I thought that my medical procedures so far would stop my hormonal progression, but that was not the case. I imagine he can tell both issues, but is too wrapped up in grounding himself to truly notice it. He goes about life in a constant state of nothing less than code yellow, never truly relaxed, even in this state of undress in the relative safety of our room. It’s home here—a familiar planet, his childhood home, however briefly that was, and the squeak and flutter of bats outside the window in summer is peaceful, as is the rain rattling against the metal roof. This should be calming, but it seems like no amount of comfort and familiarity will ever ease the tension. He’s waiting for an attack that will never come, but try telling his brain that. That organ is a tremendous liar, especially when damaged through years of untreated illness and anxiety. He tries to not let on, but the revelation has also affected him. It has likely reminded him of what parenting he had, and whether he admits it or not, the thought frightens him.

I reach across to ground him myself, show him something familiar and real, and feel a curious wetness between my legs. And there is a lot of it. And it’s dark in here but I can still kind of see and it’s much too dark to be from its usual source and it all happens so fast—the vaporizer thunks on the ground, he’s up fumbling for lights, I’m sitting up with my legs crossed, raising my shirt, groping around for the source, and the smell hits me intensely—blood. No no no no no no--  
When the room is lit, he’s scrambling naked across the floor, making some kind of feral, unholy sound that I’ve never heard come out of him between “WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT I DON’T FEEL THEM WHERE IS IT” and our bedmates have woken up and I’ve hit a deep, dizzying panic and I’m out cold. There was nothing but black and fear for a time. We were both screaming and someone carried me and pushed open the door to Talzin’s kitchen, there was a horrible commotion between her and two of the men, and when I was on the table, covered in blood and only able to cry and choke, she booped me in the forehead and I took a nice long nap.

I heard them talking over me before I was fully conscious.

“What in the blue lightening HAPPENED? Everything was FINE A WEEK AGO, WHY DID YOU BAR ME FROM THE ROOM?”  
“Son, calm yourself, you help nobody in this state…”  
Through a cracked eyelid, I can see Talzin is standing between him and myself, arms open, hands glowing green.  
“I WILL NOT CALM MYSELF, MOTHER, THAT IS MY MATE, THOSE WERE MY CHILDREN, SOMETHING MUST HAVE HAPPENED, EXPLAIN, YOU KNOW THE THINGS, IT’S BEEN AN HOUR, WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE?”  
“Maul, remove yourself or I will have you removed.”  
I sat up and blinked as I heard glass shattering and the big cellar door slam.  
I was on the table in Mother’s kitchen, not dressed, and strangely clean. I sat up and was hit with a dull ache in my gut and back as I did so. Talzin crossed the room and sat down next to me.  
“You should rest. My son will calm but you don’t need him right now as he is. Grief makes of men terrors, they don’t feel safe showing their sadness and fear. It’s ridiculous, really, but there’s nothing to be done for it.”

I feel sick. I know what’s happened, but I desperately hope it’s something else. The Force around me feels empty and alone again.

“You sense correctly. I’m sorry.”  
“But why? I did everything I should have, I ate, I stopped working hard…”  
She put her creepy, spindly hand on mine and squeezed.  
“It’s the nature of things sometimes. Especially with multiples, there are issues so small, only your body can detect them. It has only been a month. Likely, it was a malformed organ. The body knew, the Force knew. It renewed itself to prevent a child that would live short and suffering. And the one remaining twin could not survive without its bonded one. This happens often. It’s happened to me.”  
My thoughts turned to my own body—the only traces of being a woman many years ago were things that nobody but a bedmate had seen. Did that make them inferior? Did my medical transition cause a defect?

“I know your thoughts, child,” she said. “It makes no difference. You stopped medicating at the right time. There is no fault in your organs. They work as they were intended. I saw them—I checked for common faults, and you had none. There is nothing you have done to cause this, nor is there any way you could have stopped it. I would not have stopped it with my means either, do not let your thoughts stray there. The result would have not been my precious grandchildren, it would have been deformed beasts, nothing a father could love. It’s unnatural to interrupt such a thing, as hard as that may be to hear.”

I didn’t care. I turned my face into her red gown and cried again, long and hard until it felt like I was going to throw up on her if I didn’t stop. Some small glass vials exploded in the room, but she paid them no mind, she just sat there idly stroking my back, radiating calm and the eerie green Force that surrounded her. That was the worst part—nothing I did, nothing I could do, all I had to trust was the Force and it betrayed me in the worst way possible. My faith wavered even as I felt it radiating from her. The emptiness in my own signature was too much.

I don’t know how long I was there. She peeled me off and left the room for a moment. Maul came back in after, completely subdued and I saw something I’d never seen before and it scared me more than his rage. His eyes had a soft ring of purple around the gold, and they were actually wet. He’d at least covered himself from the waist down and pulled me into a hard hold, as if he was afraid I’d be gone too. There was no escaping this physical arrangement—his metal thigh covered in skin under my ass, one arm holding me tight to his chest, the other unsure what to do, avoiding my belly and settling higher than it would have. Knowing what I knew now, I completely understood his outburst. He would never normally speak to his mother like that, but this would be enough to make him lose reason entirely.

“I’m sorry,” I said, but I couldn’t steady my voice or stop my face from coming apart again.  
“You did nothing wrong. Mother spoke to me.”  
“I understand but at the same time I just don’t.”  
“The Force willed it. My children will be strong, or they will not be. It was faulty genetics. From what she said, you are still a fit age for a human. There’s no fault of yours. Your state does not matter. I’m still fit. A bit older than many who sire, but still within acceptable range.”  
I let myself fall limp in his arms. His hearts were beating hard and erratic. His black-velvet voice didn’t betray the absolute chaos inside him, but I could feel it there, and feel it in his Force, swirling furiously, cloudy, full of static like the air of the storm outside.

“When you feel ready, we can attempt again. This was no fault of yours or mine. The Force wants what it wants, stars know why sometimes. You’re strong and beautiful and capable, I’m a worthy mate. Nothing will stop this in time.”  
My mind raced to the scene in our bedroom, the utter bewilderment that turned to horror.  
“I will not allow that again.”  
“Maul, you heard her, there’s nothing—”  
“I will not hear it. If you desire children, you will have them. I have taken enough lives, it will be nothing to create them as well.”  
I knew it was entirely absurd, but he sounded so damn sure of himself. Leave it to him to just up and decide he had command over nature itself. To be fair, he’d done a fair amount of the impossible as it was.

“I’ve cleared out our room of guests for the remainder of the night and until you decide they are welcome again,” he said. For some reason, he still turned away when I dressed. After all this time and all we shared, it seemed sort of silly. “I thought you might prefer privacy for a while.”  
“Thank you. It’s nothing against them, but...yes, I prefer it.”  
“Do you require help getting back upstairs to bed? I have delegated everything I had to do tomorrow. You are my priority.”  
“I appreciate that,” and I very much knew what it meant for him to clear out his schedule on a whim like that.  
“I need you. Please stay up there with me. I don’t know if I can sleep again but I’m exhausted.”  
“You have me. I have waited this long for revenge, I can wait a bit longer. In comparison, it is unimportant.”  
The weirdest look passed over his features, exaggerated in black lines. Almost like he couldn’t fathom the words that just came out of his face.

I said nothing and let him come to his own conclusions. I took his hand and led him back upstairs. Maybe this is what it took for him to finally recognize his purpose, recognize precisely where in the Sith Code he’d stopped and let himself be chained.  
It was nice to not be alone and afraid, settling back into bed, him curled around me protectively. The rain kept up outside, and after some time, his hearts settled and I slept. I don’t imagine he did, though. His words probably left much to ponder.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a terribly painful thing and I don't know any other way to deal with it. If this is you too, don't isolate yourself--let others in. Pain doesn't hurt the same alone, and you don't have to be. About 20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, and you are not alone. These things are there if you need them:
> 
> https://www.plannedparenthood.org/  
> 1-800-273-8255--National Suicide Prevention Hotline  
> 1-877-565-8860--USA Trans Lifeline


End file.
